What’s Gotta Stay

We all crave positive attention, it is just in our nature.  Some need it more than others, but deep down we like it when someone appreciates us.  So why is it that so many of us have a hard time accepting a compliment when it is received?

Remember the days in middle school (and later for that matter) when school photos would come out and all the girls would talk about how terrible they looked in theirs?  For all of you guys out there that never clued into this blatant request for compliments, that is exactly what this was/is.  When that little says “I look terrible in this photo” she is really saying “Please tell me I look good.”  When you do say she looks good, her response was of course “No I don’t!” (emphatically), which again translates to “Tell me again I look good.”

As kids may take these strange, insecure routes to seeking compliments, and often these habits continue on into adulthood.  We all enjoy being told we look good in those new clothes, that we did a good job at something, or whatever we created is a masterful piece of art.  The problem is so many of us have hung on to that tendency to shun compliments.  I am not sure whether it is out of habit or because once the compliment comes, it tends to embarass us.

What I see is the biggest problem in this situation is that when we repel a compliment, whether intentionally or not, all it serves to do is make the person who gave the compliment feel awkward for having given it.  I remember hearing this advice years ago, back in my first year of college I think, and it really struck me.  Shortly after hearing it I decided to put it to the test.  The next compliments I receive I was determined to simply smile and say “Thank you” and move on.  I was surprised at the results.

I remember distinctly that as I started receiving compliments graciously two significant things happened.  First, the people who gave the compliment also smiled and had a glow of happiness about them for having conveyed a positive act on someone else.  My simple acceptance and thanks for their compliment gave them as much or perhaps more appreciation in return.  I made their day just like they made mine.  Second, I found that when I voice my thanks for a compliment, it created a domino effect; I received more compliments and positive conversation from those people in the future.  No one likes getting shut down in their attempts to be complimentary, which in itself is a situation in which the giver puts themselves out on a limb to some degree.  So, when the attempt is well received, there is more of a tendency to offer it up again.

These surprising results have stuck with me, and I have made a conscious effort to always be gracious in offering my thanks for genuine compliments when offered.  Give it a try yourself and see if you find similar results.